THE BODY'S QUIET ANSWER TO PERFECTION

Once a month, I give myself a rejuvenating gift. It is a creative retreat in the form of an online group poetry class. It is a special group of people who are scattered across the country, and we gather on Zoom. The instructors create an intimate space that invites us to soften, to step into vulnerability, and to write from our hearts.

The reason this class is so important to me is that it assists me in releasing a constant companion, my perfectionism. For a few hours, my vigilance eases, and creativity and learning bloom where judgement usually lives. The high point comes when we’re sent offline for thirty minutes to write, then return to read our poems aloud. In that shared listening and support, something unlocks. I feel myself come back into my body; not perfected, but appreciated and alive.

It has taken time to find these places and activities that help ease the effort of high achieving. This internal drive has been with me for as long as I can remember, and its complex nature has taken time to understand and unravel. The American Psychological Association defines perfectionism as the tendency to demand of oneself, and sometimes others, an extremely high or even flawless level of performance. Perfectionists can also carry an increased level of self judgement that normally comes from a biting internal critic. Perfectionism is prevalent throughout the world and it is estimated that 92% of people have some level of perfectionism. It can be rooted in our wiring which may evoke a self-directed focus of high achievement. The pressure to succeed can come from parents and others close to us who demand success. Social and cultural messages can also ignite high standards with the perception of ‘what will other people think?’ or ‘taking time to rest is lazy.’ All of these stir the pressure pot that can create the self-protected armor of perfectionism.

For me, perfectionism doesn’t announce itself; it shows up in my body. Before I know it’s close, my fingers tingle, my heart quickens, and my shoulders begin to tighten. Its proximity compresses me inward while my stomach capsizes and my cheeks easily flush. I feel like these bodily messages are protectors, usually based in fear, and they are guiding me to feel some sense of control. These signals normally show up when I have been put into the spotlight and I need to perform, or it is an indication that something in my life needs my highly focused and driven attention. It may be a project to finish or a conversation I need to have. My reaction after these feelings varies from freezing, overthinking, procrastinating, or finding meaningless tasks to do so I don’t focus on what needs to get done. Noticing my body’s awareness and how I react to it has been helpful as I begin to move forward unwinding the power perfectionism has had in my life.

The irony of perfectionism is that some of the symptoms are negative, and others are viewed as positive. There is a badge of honor in being hard working, organized, detail focused, people pleasing, disciplined, and high achieving. These are all characteristics of people who reach the top levels in their fields and are highly rewarded. It is no wonder it is difficult to release the grip of perfectionism. When these attributes are used with a healthy dose of focusing on excellence, they are beneficial. However, when masked in perfectionism these positive drivers can bring our bodies into overdrive with exhausting results.

Many times, those with perfectionism have a hard time affirming that they have succeeded. Praise can be disregarded with comments such as ‘It wasn’t a big deal,’ and ‘No problem, I am fine.’ The fear of failure can be high, and rest does not occur when there is still work to be done. Body issues such as stomach aches, exhaustion, and headaches may be felt but not discussed. The long-term effects of continuously functioning in the exceedingly arduous state of stress is physical illness, exhaustion, and finally burnout. It is not a surprise that perfectionism is one of the top characteristics of burnout. When high achieving is predominant in both your work and personal life, at some point something will give.  

When I noticed symptoms of burnout in my life, I knew it was time to start slowly dismantling small pieces of perfectionism. The first step was becoming aware of the physical reactions when perfectionism ignites. As I’ve noted, the physical signs always revealed themselves first to me. This gave me the ability to do small body scans when I began to feel tension rise. This let me know where my body was holding constriction so I could stretch or diaphragmatically breathe into those spots. I also noticed that when I received feedback from others I would tighten. I made an effort to ground into my feet before any feedback discussions which helped to stay present and a little more relaxed in the conversation. Long exhales were a relief when my inner critic would begin to pepper me with stinging advice. At night, I would journal and had this quote from Kristin Neff, a top compassion researcher, on my page, “Remember that if you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear.” To top it off, I joined my poetry group and began the ritual of feeling the sense that I am ‘good enough’ that helped my creative mind. Each of these practices were small and easy and they helped to build life skills not self-blame.

The ability to move less perfectly in the world has taken some practice. The activities I worked on each day helped to smolder the feeling of burnout that were taking root. Some days I still notice my perfectionism creeping in, and I attempt to use this driving energy in a healthy and productive way.  Through it all, my body has been and continues to be my director letting me know when life is too much and now, I listen with self-compassion and follow its lead.

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